One Year On...what am I now?

‘It’s always easy to look back and see what we were, yesterday, ten years ago. It is hard to see what we are. If you can master that trick, you’ll get along.’ 

Harper Lee (Go Set a Watchman)

Almost exactly one year ago I taught my last lesson, spent an emotional day saying goodbye to some dear friends and wonderful, special children and started a new chapter of my life.

It seems like a good time to reflect on what I have enjoyed, what I have railed against and what I have learned in the Land of the Blue Rinse.

It's marvellous - honest it is!

When I meet up with people that I haven't seen for a while, they always ask how I am enjoying my retirement. I feel as if I should say that it’s absolutely marvellous and I love every minute of it, but that would not be entirely true. I have struggled with the enormous change from being at the heart of a busy and challenging school to basically doing what I please. 

I don't regret my decision to retire when I did - I could have carried on for another six years, but recognised the toll working in such a high-pressured environment was having on both my physical and mental health - but I am still seeking a new niche. Strangely, it’s taken the best part of this year to begin thinking about what I could do next. I’ve rekindled my interest in some old hobbies - sewing, gardening, baking - and relished the time to read and listen to music, without feeling the pressure of more important things to do. I was playing tennis two or three times a week, but a stupid knee injury has put paid to that for the time being. I have also just started some voluntary work, for a brilliant charity called Remap.

Thirty miles away - I could cope with that!

Everybody expects newly retired people to travel endlessly, taking advantage of cheap flights and accommodation, and several of my fellow ‘blue rinsers’ seem to do just that. But I am not a happy traveller so we haven’t been very far. We did have a week in Cornwall and have another booked in Italy later this year, but that’s about it. 

At the moment Im feeling like a bit of a failure - ridiculous right? How can you fail at something when you haven't got to do anything? I’m letting the side down! I suppose it all boils down to my perception of myself - I was proud of what I did during my career, and feel like I achieved as much as I wanted to. 

Ironically, while I was actually working, if you’d asked me how I was doing, I would’ve said ‘OK, I suppose, but this went wrong, that was a disaster, should never have done that…’ I clearly find it difficult to accept myself in the here and now. I don't think I’m alone - lots of people spend their time thinking life will be better when they lose weight, they get married, they get divorced, they change job, they have children and on, and on…

Emotional and relieved

This time last year I was emotional and relieved, this time this year I feel as if I haven't made the most of things. I can’t change that - what I can do is find some new challenges (preferably that don’t all involve taking my clothes off!), seek out opportunities to do things I wouldn't normally do, get my knee fixed, stop feeling guilty about having the time to enjoy life and try to master the trick of seeing what I am, right now!

This is me - now. Enjoying life now!

Help - I'm on Holiday!

Sometimes it has to be done!

I'm in Cornwall. On holiday. In term time. How strange. At this point I should remind you all that I am risk averse. Now a holiday in Cornwall may not seem particularly extreme in terms of risk, but I stress so much about things, that going away from home is quite nightmarish for me. Will the accommodation be okay? Will the journey be incident free and safe? Will it rain every day?
Logically I know that these are not things that should cause any sane person serious amounts of angst, but being away from home is not comfortable for me.
My husband says,'But you booked it!' And this is invariably the case. People expect you to like holidays. And I like the idea of holidays, and really want to embrace them. So I book cottages and gites, and look forward to seeing new places. And then it's time to go...
My family and friends love holidays - they all go off to exotic destinations without a second thought. And I really wish I could do the same, but the thought of an airport, let alone an aeroplane...ugh! I have just about learned to cope with a ferry terminal and a boat!
In the run up to my retirement, everyone asked what my plans were and talked about all the term time holidays I would be able to have. I joined in and discussed the endless possibilities, too embarrassed to be able to admit that I'd rather stay at home!
In my defence, it's in my genes - my lovely Mum was just the same. My Dad had travelled the world during the war, and wanted to share new places with her, but Mum was less than enamoured of this. She would always say that, given the choice, she would happily stay at home.

Once I am actually on holiday, and the accommodation is fine, we got there safely and it isn't raining everyday, I usually enjoy myself. After all, I do book some lovely places to visit!

Lovely place in Cornwall

But I do wish that I could be more adventurous. It feels ridiculous that I am limiting my experiences to such a degree. Maybe, as I get even older and there's absolutely no point in avoiding risk, I'll fly around the world in search of new adventures. Or maybe I'll satisfy myself with a Cornish Pasty and a cream tea!