One Year On...what am I now?

‘It’s always easy to look back and see what we were, yesterday, ten years ago. It is hard to see what we are. If you can master that trick, you’ll get along.’ 

Harper Lee (Go Set a Watchman)

Almost exactly one year ago I taught my last lesson, spent an emotional day saying goodbye to some dear friends and wonderful, special children and started a new chapter of my life.

It seems like a good time to reflect on what I have enjoyed, what I have railed against and what I have learned in the Land of the Blue Rinse.

It's marvellous - honest it is!

When I meet up with people that I haven't seen for a while, they always ask how I am enjoying my retirement. I feel as if I should say that it’s absolutely marvellous and I love every minute of it, but that would not be entirely true. I have struggled with the enormous change from being at the heart of a busy and challenging school to basically doing what I please. 

I don't regret my decision to retire when I did - I could have carried on for another six years, but recognised the toll working in such a high-pressured environment was having on both my physical and mental health - but I am still seeking a new niche. Strangely, it’s taken the best part of this year to begin thinking about what I could do next. I’ve rekindled my interest in some old hobbies - sewing, gardening, baking - and relished the time to read and listen to music, without feeling the pressure of more important things to do. I was playing tennis two or three times a week, but a stupid knee injury has put paid to that for the time being. I have also just started some voluntary work, for a brilliant charity called Remap.

Thirty miles away - I could cope with that!

Everybody expects newly retired people to travel endlessly, taking advantage of cheap flights and accommodation, and several of my fellow ‘blue rinsers’ seem to do just that. But I am not a happy traveller so we haven’t been very far. We did have a week in Cornwall and have another booked in Italy later this year, but that’s about it. 

At the moment Im feeling like a bit of a failure - ridiculous right? How can you fail at something when you haven't got to do anything? I’m letting the side down! I suppose it all boils down to my perception of myself - I was proud of what I did during my career, and feel like I achieved as much as I wanted to. 

Ironically, while I was actually working, if you’d asked me how I was doing, I would’ve said ‘OK, I suppose, but this went wrong, that was a disaster, should never have done that…’ I clearly find it difficult to accept myself in the here and now. I don't think I’m alone - lots of people spend their time thinking life will be better when they lose weight, they get married, they get divorced, they change job, they have children and on, and on…

Emotional and relieved

This time last year I was emotional and relieved, this time this year I feel as if I haven't made the most of things. I can’t change that - what I can do is find some new challenges (preferably that don’t all involve taking my clothes off!), seek out opportunities to do things I wouldn't normally do, get my knee fixed, stop feeling guilty about having the time to enjoy life and try to master the trick of seeing what I am, right now!

This is me - now. Enjoying life now!

To Boudoir or not to Boudoir? That is the very scary question!

Challenging the perception that old people are serious!

When I started this blog, as well as giving me something to do, I wanted to challenge some perceptions, be they about autism, mental health and wellbeing, self confidence and old age. I’m not sure whether I have succeeded but I have found that I love writing and had the supreme compliment last month when someone said that I didn’t know her, but she felt that she knew me, because she had read my blog!

An opportunity has recently arisen for me to challenge people’s perceptions of old age in a new, and frankly scary way. I’ve agreed to take part in a ‘boudoir’ photo shoot. For those of you who don't know what that is (my husband needed it explained) boudoir photography is a style of photography consisting of intimate portraits of women, intended for limited viewing. So, I’m getting my kit off, in front of a camera. I’m hoping that it will give me some confidence in how I look, and be, in some way, empowering. At the moment, however, I couldn't be more terrified if was going wing-walking. It has to be said that my hubby is also a little anxious, although I have reassured him that I won’t be leaving home to follow a new career as a glamour model!

Not scary, not scary at all!
(©www.wingwalkdisplays.co.uk)

Since agreeing to this venture, I have questioned myself as to why I would even consider it - I have never been that happy with wandering around in any other state than fully covered. But maybe it is this that I am trying to overcome. I won’t go swimming because I feel judged by other women (always women, by the way, don't much care about the men), but if I can bring myself to pose in my undies and, more importantly, bear to look at the resulting photographs, I’m hoping it will help my self-confidence. Many women, I know, have boudoir shoots as a gift to their husbands or partners. In my case, it will be a very much more of a personal challenge.

Does my boudoir pass muster???

So, my anxieties…well, for one thing, its happening in my house - is it suitable? Do I need new bed linen? What if I’m judged for my decor?

I have a propensity to make inappropriate comments when I feel embarrassed or awkward - telling the nurse carrying out my mammogram that ‘boobs are a bit like playdough really’ was not a good idea! How will I manage to keep my mouth shut?

So much like play dough...

And don’t get me started on my body…lumps, bumps, muffin tops. How will I appear confident and relaxed? I have spoken to the photographer and he seemed very nice. He’s coming to do a consultation in a couple of weeks and I’m sure he’ll reassure me. 

My knicker drawer - its all grey, so it matches, right?

Then there's underwear. I’m a ‘grab what’s clean sort of woman’ so will definitely need something that at least matches. I’ve looked at various boudoir photos - on Pinterest! Who knew?! - and some women cover up with a shirt or gown, in a less is more kind of way. That’s quite appealing! I suppose if nothing else its an excuse to go shopping.

The next thing on my list of worries, which is probably silly because I’m planning to challenge people’s perceptions, is um, people’s perceptions.

Proud, independent, gin-drinking woman...

I’m a proud independent woman and wonder if people will think less of me for doing something that focusses, ostensibly, on my appearance. Is this what I went to Women’s Rights rallies for in the seventies? Well actually, I suppose it is, in the sense that it’s my body, to do with what I want. But what about my family? My children are fine with it, but my step sons? Their wives? My nephews? Aaagh, I’ve been telling them to read my blog, and now I maybe don't want them to! But I will have autonomy over which pictures I share, so the ‘less is more’ approach will probably, almost definitely, be employed!

As you can see, I’m talking myself in and out of it - I can pull out at any point if I want to. Will I go through with it? Watch this space…

Ageing Doesn't Mean Getting Old!

So last time I posted, I claimed, foolishly, that my body was ‘fit for purpose’. With this in mind, we embarked on a number of garden projects, which involved enthusiastic digging on my part. So, I’ve crocked my knee. I’m not sure if it’s housemaid’s knee, clergyman’s knee or just old person’s knee, but its curtailed not only my gardening but any other physical activity for the time being. I’m reduced to trying to figure out garden planning software so I know what to tell my other half to do!

Lots of digging = knackered knee!

I’m sure it will soon sort itself out if I’m sensible (not my forte!) but it’s reminded me of the problems my Mum had with her knees, and made me feel, well, old… About three years ago my son bought me a book for Mother’s Day. He fully admits that he bought it because he liked the cover, but what it turned out to be was a book about ageing. Thanks, son! I think it's supposed to be heartening and reassuring but, although I tried to read it, I couldn’t get on with it. It was sitting on my bedside table so I thought that, being officially old, I would have another go. Maybe it’s because it’s translated from French, or because its tackling a topic that I would rather ignore, but I’ve given up again — it was so depressing. It’s called ‘The Warmth of the Heart Prevents the Body from Rusting’ by Marie de Hennezel, and while I admire the sentiment, I simply found it so difficult to think about. Maybe I was reading it wrong! If you would like to give it a try, I may know of a copy you can borrow!

Available on loan!

I prefer to think about people I know or admire that are ageing well. In a previous post I wrote about my patchwork family (here). As part of that family I am lucky enough to have two amazing aunties. 

Bridesmaids to my Mum and Dad, August 5th 1939

One, Lily, is my  late Dad’s youngest sister and the other, Maisie, is my late Mum’s youngest sister. Both grew up as part of a large family,  and both have now had to mourn all their siblings. But they are incredible role models for anyone who fears or thinks that decrepitude is an inevitable part of growing old.

You're never too old for a paddle

Auntie Maisie is 86. She is a widow, who still lives in her own house, continues to drive and, get this, teaches yoga classes every week! She is as sparky and funny as she has ever been, and looks so much younger than her years. Although I don’t see her as often as I should, my sister takes her youngest grand-daughter, also called Maisie, to visit her every week. Little Maisie adores Big Maisie - they play silly games together, go to the beach, or simply enjoy each others’ company. Big Maisie has far more patience with Little Maisie than many other people! I love that she provides a continuing connection to my Mum and is so vibrant and wonderful.

Never too old too party, either!

Auntie Lily has just turned 90. Also a widow, she has endured losing both her son and her grandson to hideous illnesses, but she is amazing in her resilience. She has a sharp wit and real sense of style - I’ve never seen her without her hair ‘set’! She also lives in her own home, although she has promised her daughter she won’t climb on a chair to clean the curtain rails any more, and does admit to having a gardener - no knackered knees for her! At her recent birthday party, she was regaling us with tales of her childhood - telling us about how kind my Dad was to her when she was little, and sharing ancient family scandals! Although she doesn’t drive, she catches the bus into town each week to do her shopping - she had an argument with someone recently, because she wouldn’t give up her seat for an old lady!! Yes, she looks that good!

So rather than reading about how to accept ageing by slowing down and planning for a care home, I’ll look to my wonderful aunties - my  last connection to my parents’ generation - and living proof that ageing doesn't mean getting old!

Is this the end? Or a new beginning....

It's a tiara!!!

So that’s it. I’ve  done it. After 39 years of teaching, I am officially retired. I know this to be true because my friends gave me a tiara with ‘Officially Retired’ on it!

At the moment I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. I had a wonderful ‘send off’, some amazing gifts and many, many kind words both written and spoken about me. There was even a piece in the local paper.

Many of my cards and balloons (Yes, balloons!) said ‘Congratulations’ which struck me as odd. 

Congratulations, you’re too old to work

Congratulations, you've lived long enough to be too old to work

Congratulations, you’re a pensioner

Ugh. It’s the language I am struggling with. I thought I’d try to find an alternative, but if you look up ‘retired’ in the thesaurus, it gets worse: pensioners; OAPS; senior citizens; the elderly - the list goes on, but basically they all mean ‘old’!

People I know who are already retired, including my husband, insist that its marvellous, I will love it, and I will very soon wonder how I ever had time to work. Hopefully all those things will be true, but there’s no escaping the fact that, in the eyes of the world, I am old, even if 60 is the new 50, which in turn became the new 40! At this rate I’m heading for a second childhood!

As I’m writing this, I’m coming to realise that I actually have no choice in the matter - the only alternative to getting old is dying young, so, I choose to believe that my cards meant

Congratulations, you’ve escaped

Congratulations, you’re free

Congratulations, your life from now on will be one big adventure

So join me, as I journey into the Land of the Blue Rinse and attempt to redefine myself in terms other than my career and place of work. As I take on life’s new adventure…at this point I should probably mention that I am the world’s least adventurous person. Oh well, maybe I’ll prove that old dogs can learn new tricks!