One Year On...what am I now?

‘It’s always easy to look back and see what we were, yesterday, ten years ago. It is hard to see what we are. If you can master that trick, you’ll get along.’ 

Harper Lee (Go Set a Watchman)

Almost exactly one year ago I taught my last lesson, spent an emotional day saying goodbye to some dear friends and wonderful, special children and started a new chapter of my life.

It seems like a good time to reflect on what I have enjoyed, what I have railed against and what I have learned in the Land of the Blue Rinse.

It's marvellous - honest it is!

When I meet up with people that I haven't seen for a while, they always ask how I am enjoying my retirement. I feel as if I should say that it’s absolutely marvellous and I love every minute of it, but that would not be entirely true. I have struggled with the enormous change from being at the heart of a busy and challenging school to basically doing what I please. 

I don't regret my decision to retire when I did - I could have carried on for another six years, but recognised the toll working in such a high-pressured environment was having on both my physical and mental health - but I am still seeking a new niche. Strangely, it’s taken the best part of this year to begin thinking about what I could do next. I’ve rekindled my interest in some old hobbies - sewing, gardening, baking - and relished the time to read and listen to music, without feeling the pressure of more important things to do. I was playing tennis two or three times a week, but a stupid knee injury has put paid to that for the time being. I have also just started some voluntary work, for a brilliant charity called Remap.

Thirty miles away - I could cope with that!

Everybody expects newly retired people to travel endlessly, taking advantage of cheap flights and accommodation, and several of my fellow ‘blue rinsers’ seem to do just that. But I am not a happy traveller so we haven’t been very far. We did have a week in Cornwall and have another booked in Italy later this year, but that’s about it. 

At the moment Im feeling like a bit of a failure - ridiculous right? How can you fail at something when you haven't got to do anything? I’m letting the side down! I suppose it all boils down to my perception of myself - I was proud of what I did during my career, and feel like I achieved as much as I wanted to. 

Ironically, while I was actually working, if you’d asked me how I was doing, I would’ve said ‘OK, I suppose, but this went wrong, that was a disaster, should never have done that…’ I clearly find it difficult to accept myself in the here and now. I don't think I’m alone - lots of people spend their time thinking life will be better when they lose weight, they get married, they get divorced, they change job, they have children and on, and on…

Emotional and relieved

This time last year I was emotional and relieved, this time this year I feel as if I haven't made the most of things. I can’t change that - what I can do is find some new challenges (preferably that don’t all involve taking my clothes off!), seek out opportunities to do things I wouldn't normally do, get my knee fixed, stop feeling guilty about having the time to enjoy life and try to master the trick of seeing what I am, right now!

This is me - now. Enjoying life now!

Navel gazing and not light-hearted. Sorry!

Today I have officially been retired one month, so I thought I’d consider how I feel about it.

Balloon's deflated now...

Where to start? Well, the feeling of being on holiday has waned, and reality is beginning to sink in. I kind of feel distanced from reality, in that nothing seems to relate to me any more. My friends and former colleagues talk on the Book of Face about being peed off on a Sunday, or post cryptic references to work day stresses (they’re all too professional to name names, or be too specific!) and while I empathise, I feel unable to comment as these things don't apply to me now. Am I glad that I’m not facing these anxieties? Of course, but I find I am facing anxieties of a different kind. 

I hadn’t realised how much I relied on the approbation and approval of others to make me feel good about myself. Now I’m reduced to checking my Blogger Dashboard to see if anyone is reading my latest posts! 

I like the pointy bit!

I’m unbelievably busy (how did I have time to work?) but with activities that seem essentially self-indulgent. Nothing I do has a measurably positive impact on others, which is tough to take, because I spent my entire working life trying to make a difference to the pupils that I taught, and had the data to show that I was succeeding! (My husband would no doubt argue that me getting out of the house has a very positive impact on him!)

I get genuinely excited when one of my former team asks me for ideas and advice - it polishes up my ego just a little - and I can quickly lose myself in thinking about how I would solve a problem, what activities I would choose, and what resources I would need. I’m happy to help, but a bit of me is regretful that I’m not delivering sessions myself. It’s those bits of teaching that I sorely miss - not the pressure of meeting targets, preparing for Ofsted, or dealing with the day to day problems of life in a school.

Everybody tells me that it takes time to adjust, and this is undoubtedly true. Retirement is a major life change, after all, and a month is no time at all. I just wish I could enjoy the indulgences that everyone wished for me, and value myself for myself. 

Indulgences!

Maybe then I would be able to embrace new opportunities, however self-indulgent, without feeling that I should be volunteering in a rat infested hell hole wearing sack-cloth and ashes!

I'm sure my navel's here somewhere..

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll write a post entitled ‘Sod It!’ Fingers crossed, and watch this space!

Is this the end? Or a new beginning....

It's a tiara!!!

So that’s it. I’ve  done it. After 39 years of teaching, I am officially retired. I know this to be true because my friends gave me a tiara with ‘Officially Retired’ on it!

At the moment I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. I had a wonderful ‘send off’, some amazing gifts and many, many kind words both written and spoken about me. There was even a piece in the local paper.

Many of my cards and balloons (Yes, balloons!) said ‘Congratulations’ which struck me as odd. 

Congratulations, you’re too old to work

Congratulations, you've lived long enough to be too old to work

Congratulations, you’re a pensioner

Ugh. It’s the language I am struggling with. I thought I’d try to find an alternative, but if you look up ‘retired’ in the thesaurus, it gets worse: pensioners; OAPS; senior citizens; the elderly - the list goes on, but basically they all mean ‘old’!

People I know who are already retired, including my husband, insist that its marvellous, I will love it, and I will very soon wonder how I ever had time to work. Hopefully all those things will be true, but there’s no escaping the fact that, in the eyes of the world, I am old, even if 60 is the new 50, which in turn became the new 40! At this rate I’m heading for a second childhood!

As I’m writing this, I’m coming to realise that I actually have no choice in the matter - the only alternative to getting old is dying young, so, I choose to believe that my cards meant

Congratulations, you’ve escaped

Congratulations, you’re free

Congratulations, your life from now on will be one big adventure

So join me, as I journey into the Land of the Blue Rinse and attempt to redefine myself in terms other than my career and place of work. As I take on life’s new adventure…at this point I should probably mention that I am the world’s least adventurous person. Oh well, maybe I’ll prove that old dogs can learn new tricks!