Navel gazing and not light-hearted. Sorry!

Today I have officially been retired one month, so I thought I’d consider how I feel about it.

Balloon's deflated now...

Where to start? Well, the feeling of being on holiday has waned, and reality is beginning to sink in. I kind of feel distanced from reality, in that nothing seems to relate to me any more. My friends and former colleagues talk on the Book of Face about being peed off on a Sunday, or post cryptic references to work day stresses (they’re all too professional to name names, or be too specific!) and while I empathise, I feel unable to comment as these things don't apply to me now. Am I glad that I’m not facing these anxieties? Of course, but I find I am facing anxieties of a different kind. 

I hadn’t realised how much I relied on the approbation and approval of others to make me feel good about myself. Now I’m reduced to checking my Blogger Dashboard to see if anyone is reading my latest posts! 

I like the pointy bit!

I’m unbelievably busy (how did I have time to work?) but with activities that seem essentially self-indulgent. Nothing I do has a measurably positive impact on others, which is tough to take, because I spent my entire working life trying to make a difference to the pupils that I taught, and had the data to show that I was succeeding! (My husband would no doubt argue that me getting out of the house has a very positive impact on him!)

I get genuinely excited when one of my former team asks me for ideas and advice - it polishes up my ego just a little - and I can quickly lose myself in thinking about how I would solve a problem, what activities I would choose, and what resources I would need. I’m happy to help, but a bit of me is regretful that I’m not delivering sessions myself. It’s those bits of teaching that I sorely miss - not the pressure of meeting targets, preparing for Ofsted, or dealing with the day to day problems of life in a school.

Everybody tells me that it takes time to adjust, and this is undoubtedly true. Retirement is a major life change, after all, and a month is no time at all. I just wish I could enjoy the indulgences that everyone wished for me, and value myself for myself. 

Indulgences!

Maybe then I would be able to embrace new opportunities, however self-indulgent, without feeling that I should be volunteering in a rat infested hell hole wearing sack-cloth and ashes!

I'm sure my navel's here somewhere..

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll write a post entitled ‘Sod It!’ Fingers crossed, and watch this space!