Semantics or a Life Philosophy?

One or two things have happened in the past couple of weeks that have made me utter the words ‘It just shows you need to live for the moment’. I then spent a sleepless night wondering how I would actually do that...

Life is a constant worry...

If you google ‘Living for the Moment’ and select images, you are presented with the kind of slogans and posters that regularly fill my Facebook newsfeed. Frankly tosh, I’m afraid! 

If you search for the definition of the idiom that is ‘living for the moment’, google comes up with ‘live or act without worrying about the future’. Is that really such a good thing? In principle it seems like the perfect philosophy - don't worry, be happy etc. etc. It also sounds like the perfect legal defence…

’Why did you steal that car?’ 

‘Oh I was living for the moment, your Honour’

Doesn't really work does it? Rather than a life philosophy it suddenly becomes a mantra for the selfish. I suppose, as one of the great unworking, I am in the position now of being able to live for the moment, but I still don't know how to do it. Life requires planning and thought if it is to provide you with ‘for the moment’ opportunities. There have been many times in the past when my ‘living for the moment’ would have entailed locking myself in a room and crying for days, but I had two children that needed me to function in a more meaningful way. I had to go to work, cook, clean, wash, iron and get them to school / music lessons / clubs. If I’d selfishly surrendered to my needs, I don't think they'd be the rounded and balanced individuals that they are today.

Rounded and balanced - honest!

It could also be argued that living for the moment gives individuals carte blanche to disregard any advice regarding their future health and wellbeing. Anyone stuffing their face with a twelve inch pizza and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s is undoubtedly relishing the fact that they are living for the moment!

Living for the moment!

Of course, I am taking things to an extreme, but I really don't think that when people say ‘live for the moment’ that is actually what they mean. I think ‘live in the moment’ is a more accurate reflection of the philosophy. Appreciate what you have, at that moment in time, don’t put things off and think ‘next time’. 

It may be simple semantics, but I think I would find living in the moment much more achievable than living for the moment. I will always worry about things, past, present and future - its in my make up, my psyche, my bones. If I hear a travel report of an accident in the vicinity of anyone that I know, I automatically assume that it will have involved one of my friends / family. I do try not to immediately text them now, but it’s taken some effort on my part! 

Lots of my issues with depression have their roots in a past that still comes back to haunt me with monotonous regularity - a smell, a sound, a taste can drag me back to feeling lost and desperate with no warning. Equally anxiety about the future, whether it be the health of myself and my family or financial security, clouds my thoughts on a regular basis!

Family time - joyous

So clearly what I need to do is appreciate things as they happen - a walk in the country, a mad game of tennis, afternoon tea with my friends, time spent with family. Let the past go, regard the future as an adventure and let it happen in its own time and…

Live in the moment!

Sounds good to me!

I did something spontaneous...and didn't combust!

It’s been a while since my last post - who knew retirement could be so relentlessly busy! The main reason is because I lost my blogging space while we redecorated the kitchen. Anyhow…

I'm a worry gut...

Anyone who knows me appreciates that I am probably the world's least spontaneous person. The closest I come is an impulse purchase of a cuddly jumper if I am out in cold weather. That said, I usually get home and decide to return it because I'm not cold any more!

I have a need to plan, making sure I have dotted ‘i’s and crossed 't’s.  This affords me many opportunities to worry, stress and wish I wasn't doing the thing that I planned in the first place. This mindset applies equally to holidays, big purchases or, in that former life of mine, lesson ideas.

Last Monday evening I had a message from a friend asking if I wanted her two spare tickets for the ATP Tennis Finals the following Wednesday. Now during the summer I had fleetingly thought that I would love to go to the ATP Finals, but didn't do anything about it. Now, faced with this unexpected opportunity, I immediately replied... ‘Sorry, a bit too short notice for me.’ What my friend said next kept me awake half that night.

Food for thought!

I tossed and turned worrying that I would be missing out, and okay, I could go next year, but what if I died in the mean time (I know…that’s how I roll!) I was still awake at 4am, stressing about the fact that my need to plan ahead was preventing me from doing something that I would undoubtedly love - what planning did it need? Go, enjoy, return! 

Having given myself a severe talking to, when I woke up, I immediately messaged my friend asking if she still had the tickets. One brief encounter at Asda later, I had the tickets in my hot little hand, and the strangest thing happened. I wasn't stressed or worried, I was actually excited and looking forward to seeing a professional tennis match for the first time in my life.

Apparently so spontaneous, no time to shave!

So we went off on our great adventure, and had a brilliant day - first tennis match and it was Andy Murray no less. 

Let's go Andy, let's go!

The atmosphere was fab and I was so excited I spent an inordinate amount of money on a T shirt - just to prove I was there! 

Bragging rights t-shirt!

But the best thing was that feeling of disbelief that we were in the O2, watching something amazing when, two days earlier, we had no idea we would be there. And I proved to myself that I can be spontaneous and that, if you’re going to worry, you may as well worry about doing something rather than worry about not doing something and missing out. 

For most people, this wouldn't have been a big thing, but for me it has been huge. Watch out world - I might be coming for you!! 

Depression Sucks!

Feeling Blue :-(

This has not been a good few days. Financial worries, a comment about what changes my successor has made to ‘my’ classroom and a throw away remark that my new funky hairdo must have been inspired by Clare Balding have all conspired to plummet me into a slough of despond. Writing that down makes it seem ridiculous, but depression pays no heed to ridiculous, and will get you anyway.

All my adult life, I have struggled to cope with my mental health. You’d think by now I’d be used to it. People show an amazing ability to cope with physical limitations: I suffered injuries to both my eyes while I was teaching, and while my vision will always be less than perfect, my brain has learned to compensate and it only affects me at a minimal level. But depression, not so much. I will never get used to the way that I can suddenly feel so desolate, when five minutes ago I was perfectly fine. I know that everyone has moments of sadness - nobody can be shiny and happy all the time - but depression is different. It is all pervading and gut wrenching. I have a dear friend who responds to this feeling by cleaning her house from top to bottom and throwing away anything that hasn't been used for a week. It has the opposite effect on me. I sit. That’s what I do. I’ve disguised this over the weekend by sitting and watching the Olympics, but really I’m just sitting!

An additional worry is that one of my ways of dealing with these feelings of blackness was throwing myself into my work. I couldn't just sit. I had to get up and get on with things. I also had friends at work that I could talk to - one who cleans and tidies and another who has supported her husband through some difficult times, and used some of her skills on me! These friends will no longer be across the corridor, there in the morning or at the end of every day. I know that if I got in touch with them, they would help me feel better, but people who just sit don't get in touch… It’s a vicious circle. I am lucky that I have a support network in my family, but I also know how much it pains them that I feel this way, and I hate making them feel powerless. Also, the good parent in me means that I want to protect my children from knowing how down I feel. They may be adults, but it’s still my job to protect them. See, vicious circle.

Past experience has taught me that I will feel better. I’ll find new routines to support and motivate me - even I can’t just sit forever - and writing this has been cathartic in a way. I may, however, have blown the ‘I don't want my children to know how I feel’ rule. 

As I’m writing this, my husband has brought me a coffee in my ‘I’M RETIRED, GO AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE’ mug. It seems I can still smile!