Self Deprecation Came Back to Bite Me!

Not wanting to sound big headed, but logic tells me that I am a reasonable human being. I have never been in trouble with the law, I had a successful teaching career and as a helpful workmate told me, when I had been stood up in my teens, I’m not pretty but ‘I keep myself well’! Nevertheless, it is human nature to question our self worth and if you suffer with depression it is inevitable that these feelings occur on a monotonously regular basis. My default setting when I wake up feeling rubbish is to tell the people that love me that I am rubbish, so that they can tell me that I’m not…

Am I really as lardy as this?

God I look hideous - No you don’t, you’re lovely!

Ugh, I’m so fat - Don’t be daft, of course you’re not!

I’m a bad mum - No you’re not, you’re amazing!

You get the picture - I have mastered the art of self deprecation. I’m not alone in fishing for compliments. I don’t suppose anyone ever asked, ‘Does my arse look big in this?’ expecting the response, ‘Well yes my dear, it looks like the size of a small country!’ (In the words of The Divine Comedy) We all seek reassurance about our appearance, our intellectual ability, our success at work and we often do this by putting ourselves down, confidently assuming we will be contradicted. 

You're rubbish Nanny, aren't you...

But it doesn't always work. Children don’t understand or play by the rules. I jokingly said I was rubbish to my grand-daughter while we were cooking one day. It was meant to be an encouragement to her to help me, but she took it as read that I was rubbish, and I have heard it back from her ever since. And in a multitude of contexts! There are any number of things she thinks I can’t do because I’m rubbish. She even told me once that her mummy and daddy don’t like her saying that I’m rubbish, but because I said it, it was true. I can not tell you how painful it is, hearing your self deprecating put downs spoken back to you by a small person that you love more than life itself. And it’s made me really think about how the tendency to put myself down has affected me. 

We know that positive mantras have a life affirming impact, and that the power of the mind can help our self belief - ‘I can do it, I can, I know I can.’

It therefore follows that constantly believing the worst of yourself will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, ‘I think I’m rubbish, so I must be rubbish.’ 

I'm not rubbish - I'm marvellous!

But it is a difficult habit to break. My go to response to any setback is that it has happened because I’m rubbish, but, having heard it spoken back to me, I am trying to at least not say it aloud. My recent blog ‘Fit for Purpose’ talked about how I am more accepting of my physical appearance, and now I need to work on other areas of wellbeing and think more positive thoughts. It’s not easy. This morning I woke up feeling down in the dumps, but I have resisted saying this to my husband - I know from experience that it makes him feel bad too. In my heart, I know I’m not rubbish and I need to reverse years of negative thinking. I’m setting myself an easily achievable target - one positive thought about myself each day! As I said, nobody likes a big head, but I’m telling you - I’m pretty marvellous!