I'm lovely, and I have the photos to prove it!

Satisfyingly blurry!

First things first, Martin J Patterson is a genius…not only did this unassuming man in his shorts and t-shirt persuade me, in the most professional way, of the efficacy of a boudoir shoot, he also managed to produce a portfolio of photos that I not only love, but have agreed to him sharing wherever he likes. 

I have now completed the final part of my boudoir journey. For me it’s been quite a trek, and you can read about how I arrived here in my first, second and third posts in this series. What started out as being, frankly, a bit of a cheeky joke has turned into so much more than that and I genuinely feel that I have travelled some distance in how I feel about myself and about how others see me.

I wasn’t sure how I would react to seeing the photos. It’s been quite a while since the shoot and at times it seems as if I’d dreamt it. I was a bit apprehensive, but nowhere near as much as I thought I would be, and that was coupled with a little bit of excitement. 

My biggest fear was that I would hate my pictures, but have to pretend that I liked them for the sake of the project.

I love them!

I needn’t have worried - somehow Martin had succeeded in taking photographs that were not only classy and tasteful, but that magically drew my eye to my best bits. No photoshopping involved (the stupid tan line on my wrist proves that!) and yet I could look at them and feel genuinely happy with how I appear. And that is something I never thought I would think, let alone write! My husband loved them too, and I happily showed my son, his girlfriend and my stepson. I also shared them with my friend The Salted Tail, my sister and my daughter. My friend and sister duly raved about them, but Beth just asked if I was pleased with them. My mind then went into overdrive - she doesn't like them, so maybe I don’t either. They must be tacky / cheesy / unattractive. Rats. How could I have got it so wrong? I really thought they were nice. 

Of course, she did like them, but was in the pub, and couldn't really look at them. Phew. I hadn't got it wrong after all.

Beth's favourite!

How ridiculous…I clearly worry so much about what other people think that I change my views to match theirs. That definitely needs to change.

So, apart from me not being confident in my own opinions, what else have I learnt from this exciting, yet strange and surreal experience?

Well, on a superficial level I found out how to do smokey eye make-up, I discovered how much more comfortable a properly fitting bra is and I know that making time to moisturise after a shower reaps many benefits! I also realised that I enjoy spending time on making the best of myself, and I still use my eyelash curler!

Smokey eyes and a hint of a smile - hubby's favourite ❤️

On a more profound level I have uncovered some truths about myself and even about my husband. I wasn’t expecting it to have such an effect on him and I suppose we have come to a realisation that we both have insecurities that impact on us and our relationship. But this experience has given us an opportunity to explore some of those issues and talk openly about them. 

More personally I have come to realise that I feel judged by people because I judge them - another thing I need to work on - and I wouldn’t have felt anywhere near as comfortable with a female photographer, because I often feel that woman are more critical of other woman than men are.

Daring, or foolhardy?

When I wrote my original posts people made comments about how brave I was. Personally I think that firemen and lifeboatmen are brave, and while I certainly found this personally challenging, I think daring is a more accurate description of what I am. That, and foolhardy!

Most importantly of all I feel far more at peace with myself than I have for many years. The fact that I blithely signed away sharing rights to the photos proves that. I am proud of how I look in my pictures, and am determined to no longer define myself by my age, my weight, my appearance. I am who I am, and Martin has skilfully reflected this in my boudoir portfolio!

Not defined by age or shape - just me, in sharp focus!

When we went to bed last night, my lovely husband turned to me and said, ‘So now do you believe me when I say you are lovely?’ It’s only taken eighteen years, but finally, yes I do.